Whether at work, with friends, or family, the struggle to set boundaries is more common than people may realize. I often think back to a time when I was just 10 years old, and we had moved to Turkey.

As a child, not speaking the language fluently made adjusting and making friends doubly challenging. At that time, anything from America was considered special, almost golden. One day, one of the kids noticed my American pencil case filled with colorful pencils and erasers. She asked if she could have one. I immediately offered her to select whatever she wanted. I was ecstatic—finally, someone was befriending me! The next day, a lineup formed, with more kids eager to pick from my pencil case. I skipped home that day, delighted and excited that I now had friends. I was invited to join jump roping during recess; no longer eating by myself. I refilled my pencil case and returned to school, only to have another lineup quickly empty it again.

Once my stash was depleted, I asked my mother for more, she was surprised that they had been used up so quickly. She gave me a few more, but I knew I couldn’t go back and ask for more after that or I’d need to provide an explanation. Deep down, I knew my mother wouldn’t approve of my behavior—essentially giving away all my supplies. I began to sneak into where my mother kept the school supplies. I felt awful knowing I was in a way stealing or acting behind her back but the desire to be accepted was overpowering. So every day I snuck into the cabinet and took more of our American supplies. I’d go to school, more kids lined up, giving me the attention I craved and comforting me in my struggle to fit in. Eventually, though, my supplies ran out, and when I returned to school empty-handed, the attention stopped—and my pain returned.

This story is not just typical of childhood; as adults, we often find ourselves doing the same thing, but usually at a greater expense. I’ve heard countless stories from clients—one paying off their partner’s credit cards in the thousands, only to be left with the debt. Another whose 9-to-5 job stretches into late-night hours every day. These are all examples of lost boundaries. And why do we do it? For the same reason I did as a 10-year-old—it’s the fear of rejection, the deep desire to be accepted, the fear of conflict, and the fear of disrupting our fragile inner peace.

Inner peace plays a major role, especially for those who have experienced trauma. When inner peace feels delicate, we go to great lengths to avoid shattering it. Sometimes, this means sacrificing boundaries for the comfort of external validation.

So Now What? How Do We Set Boundaries?

First, recognize where the boundary should be and create a clear limitation. Then, communicate it clearly and directly. Consistency is key—people need to receive one unified message from you. Be prepared to manage your emotions when someone pushes back.

But the most important step? Understand why you’ve allowed or considered your boundaries to be overstepped. This is the difference between feeling like a victim and taking responsibility for your actions. Once you take responsibility, you can begin the inward healing process, addressing the deeper issues that make setting boundaries so difficult.

When you heal inwardly, your boundaries become stronger. Boundaries are not just about saying “no” to others; they’re about saying “yes” to yourself. They are an act of self-care and self-respect, reminding you of your worth and guiding others to respect it as well.

At Self Empowered Minds, we promote inner healing through one-on-one sessions and group classes through many different modalities ranging from hypnosis, biofeedback, reiki, somatic movement and more. Our goal is to empower you so that you may live the life you deserve and desire.